Collection of sarcastic proverbs.
The collection started in 1974, when Conrad Schneiker first typed in Murphy’s Laws to explore the workings of a new computer at the University of Arizona Computing Center.
He added a couple of pages of other laws encountered in the course of his compulsive use of the campus libraries and campus bookstores. When he posted the list on his door, people started adding their own favorites and the list grew quickly.
Finagle’s Fourth Law:
Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Cole’s Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
Ralph’s Observation:
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry
John’s Collateral Corollary:
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don’t need it.
IBM Pollyanna Principle:
Machines should work. People should think.
The First Discovery of Christmas Morning:
Batteries not included.
Bucy’s Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Boren’s Laws of the Bureaucracy:
1) When in doubt, mumble.
2) When in trouble, delegate.
3) When in charge, ponder.
Becker’s Law:
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
Baruch’s Rule for Determining Old Age:
Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Bartz’s Law of Hokey Horsepuckery:
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
Hartley’s Second Law:
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you are.
Rudin’s Law:
In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
Wood’s Law:
the more unworkable the urban plan, the greater the probability of implementation.
Wolf’s Law of Tactics:
If you can’t beat them, have them join you.
Vique’s Law:
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
Truman’s Law:
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
Segal’s Law:
A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.
Sattinger’s Law:
It works better if you plug it in.
Ozian Option:
I can’t give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.
Durrell’s Parameter:
The faster the plane, the narrower the seats.
Sayre’s Third Law of Politics:
Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.
Manly’s Maxim:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Gumperson’s Law:
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Law of Raspberry Jam:
The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets.
Newman’s Law:
Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse.
Pardo’s Postulates:
1) Anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
2) The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old woman.
3) Don’t care if you’re rich or not, as long as you live comfortably and can have everything you want.
Old Children’s Law:
If it tastes good, you can’t have it. If it tastes awful, you’d better clean your plate.
Merrill’s First Corollary:
There are no winners in life; only survivors.
H. L. Mencken’s Law:
Those who can — do.
Those who cannot — teach.
Those who cannot teach — administrate. (Martin’s Extension)
Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. (also known as the How Come It All Landed On Me Law)
Putt’s Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people — those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.
Clyde’s Law:
If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
First Law of Debate:
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
Dolly Parton’s Principle:
The bigger they are, the harder it is to see your shoes.
Peter Principle:
In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties.
Corollaries:
1) Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
2) Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
3) If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.
Cole’s Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Peers’s Law:
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
Stock Market Axiom:
The public is always wrong
Darrow’s Observation:
History repeats itself. That’s one of the things wrong with history.
Katz’s Law:
Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted
Peter’s Paradox:
Employees in a hierarchy do not really object to incompetence in their colleagues.
Finagle’s First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Anthony’s Law of Force:
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
Law of Annoyance:
When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you’re certain you’re finished with, you will need it instantly.
Andrews’s Canoeing Postulate:
No matter which direction you start it’s always against the wind coming back.